Personal Diary 27.12.111

We killed that horrible man again last night. 


Not without losses, including a frigate of mine.


And larger ships. 


Something else against his account.


Which he will pay in full, one day.


Computer, save secure file. End recording.

Personal Diary 26.12.111

A little bit of work back in my usual systems, with CJ and Johan and Challis and a few others. The environmental systems on the Fortune's Fist are still on the blink, it seems to be affecting the pod too now, it does make staying out for a long time a little uncomfortable.


Then I headed back down to the war zone, to get those ships moved.  There's something wrong with my autopilot, I think ... it told me it was four jumps from Resbroko to Vard, and I know that's not right. Except then I looked at the map, and I wasn't in Resbroko after all ... maybe I jumped when I wasn't paying attention? It's hard to keep the map straight when my overhead is playing up, things keep showing up all red and flashy and then I realize when I try and target them that they're a planet or something ...


Anyway. I got my ships moved, and headed out to fly with KJ for a while, down in parts of space I haven't been. Some of the other pilots were looking for ... well, trouble, but I just flew in circles again, for a while. 


Still, it's nice having an escort. Even if some of them did look red and flashy on my scope from time to time.


Computer, save secure file. End recording. 

Personal Diary 25.12.111

I spent a little bit of time away from the war zone.  I thought I'd tidy up the house a little, the garden ... it's a little difficult though, at the moment.  I think maybe that cream the doctors gave me, well. Perhaps it could be a little stronger.


I'd usually rather be out of the pod than in it. But lately ... well, when I jack in and my body disappears, it's ... a relief.  The shields melting under hostile fire, it hurts, but not like ...


And with the environmental systems everywhere on the fritz lately, I suppose without Mitch ... he always kept everything running, I didn't need to ever worry, but lately the hab-unit, the control room, everywhere, it's too hot, sometimes too cold, but mostly too hot. Sinking into the pod is so cool and refreshing, after being all prickly with heat all day ...


So it wasn't quite what I expected, taking a break. 


Computer, save secure file. End recording. 

Personal Diary 24.12.111

More systems ... it seems like every time I get into pod there's a call for a heavy fleet, or a combat fleet, or ...


Not that I've been doing all that much flying. 


I'll be back on shift soon, though. I ran into KJ in the locker room when I was getting dressed ... well, trying to make myself put my boots on, really ... and he said it doesn't matter, you don't have to fly set shifts ... but I know it's hard for FCs to make plans when they can't count on pilots.


KJ's been working so hard. Everyone has.  


None of it can ever be simple, he said. I suppose if I wanted it simple I could have picked something else to do with myself.


He seems so certain that things are choices. You can't choose things in your past, your existing circumstances... but I think if you have the will for the consequences you can pick how you react to any of it. Even before ... well before.  But there was still a choice.  Submit or... varieties of don't really.


It makes me feel sort of stupid, thinking about what Hiri said, when I remember what happened to KJ. But ... I don't know. I tried to explain to him. Giving in, or ... not. Sometimes there's more than ... sometimes there's things you have to take into account. Sometimes there's maybe someone else. And if you give in, maybe they don't have to.


It's still a choice, he said.


I can't imagine ever ... I can't imagine ever being the person who'd look at ... well. Who'd think they had a choice, when it came down to protecting someone. Protecting family. 


I was sitting there, trying to explain, and ... trying to get my boots on. Well, trying to make myself get my boots on. And he said Do you want a hand with that?


And I nearly said No, it's fine, KJ, they're just stiff, you know, new leather and all.


I had the words all ready.


But what Hiri said ... 


Friends and family, sometimes they can be there for what you need. 


So said yes, instead. 


It was harder than I thought it would be, even just to nod, with all that meant. Yes, please help me. I can't do this. It's stupid, and simple, and easy, and I can't do it. Please.


KJ sat down beside me and we talked, for a while. About the corporation, about what it was like for him to be in the position he's in, in the Alliance, in ReAwakened Technologies. 


And then he said he needed to get some rest, and headed out.


And I sat there holding my boots in my hands. 


I guess maybe Hiri ... 


Well, I guess maybe what she said is true for her. 


It shouldn't make it worse, you know, doing something, it shouldn't be harder to do it by yourself just because you've asked someone to help you. 


But it kind of is.


Computer, save secure file. End recording. 

Personal Diary 23.12.111 b

You know, I always say, I don't like combat fleets.


And I don't. I'm never quite sure what to do, even when I do sort of know I always think that maybe I'm getting it wrong.


Wait on the gate, jump through the gate, target this, don't aggress that. 


It's nerve-wracking. And mostly waiting. And being afraid, and feeling as if help is a lot further away than it really is.


But there are ... moments. 


That man ... the one who shot up my ship. 


And my crew.


Who killed Mitch. 


His crew died tonight. His ship went up in flames. 


Along with ... nineteen, I think, of his fellow militia. 


I couldn't fire the guns fast enough.


Seamus Rooke said I'm glad you were able to honor your crew in such a way.  I am sure their spirits can rest satistified now.


I hope so. I hope they can. 


I think maybe I might need to kill him a few more times for that, though.


Computer, save secure file. End recording. 

Personal Diary 23.12.111

I didn't manage to get any of the ships out today after all.  At first I thought I would, but local suddenly got extremely busy with several groups of pilots who seemed to be having some sort of disagreement ... the kind that involves carriers, from what I could tell.


So I thought I might just sit that out.


And by the time it was over and things were quieter, I ... well, I just didn't feel all that much like flying.


I had to see Dr Nari, anyway.


I tried to explain to him ... he's not really the sort of doctor it's very easy to talk to, but I tried to explain about Amieta, and not making things sound too bad.


He just sort of looked at me and said Ms Roth, if you'd please stand on the scales?


He's um, a little .. brusque. And it's not very easy to tell what he's thinking. Which is not very comfortable, when you're standing there in the middle of an examination room in one of those paper smocks and someone is peering in your mouth and up your nose.


Even when I came out from behind the screen and he could see ... well, it's not very pretty, the rash,  especially where it started, on my hands and feet, and where it's worst, now. The skin is starting to ...


Well. I suppose Dr Nari's seen worse.  He didn't even blink. Just looked, and asked me questions, and listened to me breathe in and out and looked up my nose and in my mouth and weighed me and took some blood.


I showed him where Nerila's intern put in the new med shunt for the IVs, for glucose and whatever, since I can't ... well, food doesn't quite sit very well with me right now. And the files, what they're treating me with.


He didn't blink at that either. Just said You can get dressed again, Ms Roth.


And by the time I finished putting on my uniform again and ... well, it took me a little while to make myself put my boots back on.


And by the time I was done, he'd gone.


Computer save secure file. End recording.

NEOCOM SYSTEMS FILE: Valhiri Akell: IV Record CR 22.12.111

[NEOCOM SYSTEMS FILE: IV RECORD 14:25 22.10.111 (LUSTREVIK VII - MOON 9 - BRUTOR TRIBE ACADEMY STATION LOCAL TIME)]

[LOCATION: OFFICES OF M.O. (PSY) VALHIRI AKELL, ROTH MAIN HANGAR LUSTREVIK VII - MOON 9 - BRUTOR TRIBE ACADEMY STATION]

[SPEAKER: M.O. (PSY) VALHIRI AKELL]
[SPEAKER: PILOT CIARENTE ROTH]

[RECORDING COMMENCED 14:25 22.10.111]

CIARENTE ROTH: I'm not interrupting?
VALHIRI AKELL: Not at all, Pilot. How are you?
CIARENTE ROTH: Oh, I'm, you know, fine. How are you, Hiri, is what I wanted to ask?
VALHIRI AKELL: Me?
CIARENTE ROTH: With your ... family business.
VALHIRI AKELL: Oh. Oh, that seems to be ... resolved.
CIARENTE ROTH: Oh, good. I'm glad. Everything was ...?
VALHIRI AKELL: Everything's fine, it seems.
CIARENTE ROTH: Good. And, uh ...
VALHIRI AKELL: Mmmhmm?
CIARENTE ROTH: How is, how is Ami doing?
VALHIRI AKELL: How does she seem to be doing to you?
CIARENTE ROTH: Oh, she's ... it's hard to tell, with Ami.
VALHIRI AKELL: Mmmhmm?
CIARENTE ROTH: So I ... wondered. What you thought.
VALHIRI AKELL: Are you worried about her for a particular reason?
CIARENTE ROTH: Oh, I've ... I've had these, well, sort of allergies. And I know that sometimes Ami feels ... she needs to fix things. You know.
VALHIRI AKELL: Mmmhmm. Allergies?
CIARENTE ROTH: More or less.
VALHIRI AKELL: Dr Nari spoke to me, when he came over here.
CIARENTE ROTH: Oh.
VALHIRI AKELL: If you want to call it allergies, though, that's okay.
CIARENTE ROTH: Oh.
VALHIRI AKELL: How are you feeling?
CIARENTE ROTH: A little ... it's a little uncomfortable. But, you know, not too bad.
VALHIRI AKELL: And otherwise?
CIARENTE ROTH: Otherwise?
VALHIRI AKELL: How are you feeling, apart from these ... allergies.
CIARENTE ROTH: Oh, fine, perfectly fine.
VALHIRI AKELL: Mmmhmmm? Not scared, or ... angry, or ...?

CIARENTE ROTH: Why would I be angry?

VALHIRI AKELL: With everything that's happened. Some people might be angry about it.
CIARENTE ROTH: Oh.
VALHIRI AKELL: Are you?
CIARENTE ROTH: I'm sort of angry with the Marys. After what happened. With the ship. And ... Mitch.
VALHIRI AKELL: Mmmhmm.
CIARENTE ROTH: But not, you know, about ... the other. 
VALHIRI AKELL: Then what?
CIARENTE ROTH: Then what what?
VALHIRI AKELL: If you aren't angry, how do you feel? Scared? Resigned? Sad? Happy?
CIARENTE ROTH: Maybe ... maybe a little bit scared.
VALHIRI AKELL: Scared of what?
CIARENTE ROTH: I'm scared it's going to hurt. More. And that I won't ...
VALHIRI AKELL: Mmmm?
CIARENTE ROTH: I have to ... for Camille, and the others. If I don't ... I have to stand it long enough for them to find a way to fix it. Or they won't be able to fix it for Camille. I'm scared I won't be able to.
VALHIRI AKELL: Won't be able to?
CIARENTE ROTH: Ami says I have to fight. That it makes a difference.
VALHIRI AKELL: It does.
CIARENTE ROTH: It's already ... I already want it to stop.
VALHIRI AKELL: That's understandable.
CIARENTE ROTH: And when it gets ... worse.
VALHIRI AKELL: You have to remember what you're fighting for. For time, for the doctors to find a way to fix things.
CIARENTE ROTH: Yes.
VALHIRI AKELL: There are people around you who'll help you fight, Pilot.
CIARENTE ROTH: I know.
VALHIRI AKELL: You don't sound like you believe that.
CIARENTE ROTH: Well ...
VALHIRI AKELL: Mmmhmmm?
CIARENTE ROTH: It's not exactly ... free, is it? That kind of help.
VALHIRI AKELL: You mean, you feel it has strings attached?
CIARENTE ROTH: No, no, not that, I ... I mean, it's not free for them.
VALHIRI AKELL: You're worried that it'll be hard for them?
CIARENTE ROTH: Well.  I'd feel awful. If it was Camille, or Ami, or someone.
VALHIRI AKELL: You wouldn't want to know?
CIARENTE ROTH: No, I would, I would want to know. 
VALHIRI AKELL: You wouldn't want to help them, if it was hard for you?
CIARENTE ROTH: Of course I would!
VALHIRI AKELL: How would you feel if they didn't let you?
CIARENTE ROTH: Well, I certainly wouldn't put up with that!
VALHIRI AKELL: Mmmhmm?
CIARENTE ROTH: I mean, Ami ... she kept saying she was fine, but she wasn't, and I wasn't about to just leave her there.
VALHIRI AKELL: Leave her there?
CIARENTE ROTH: Where she was. It doesn't matter where. But we weren't, I mean, I wasn't going to leave her.
VALHIRI AKELL: Was that easy for you?
CIARENTE ROTH: Easy? Fortune!
VALHIRI AKELL: Would it have it been easier to just to pretend to believe her when she said she was fine?
CIARENTE ROTH: Of course not!
VALHIRI AKELL: Mmmhmmm.
CIARENTE ROTH: Well, it's different, though, Hiri.
VALHIRI AKELL: Why?
CIARENTE ROTH: Well, it is.
VALHIRI AKELL: You're going to have to do a bit better than that, Pilot.
CIARENTE ROTH: Oh.
VALHIRI AKELL: So why is it different?
CIARENTE ROTH: I don't know. It just is.
VALHIRI AKELL: When you were growing up, what used to happen when someone was upset in your family?
CIARENTE ROTH: Upset?
VALHIRI AKELL: Yeah.
CIARENTE ROTH: I'm not quite sure I know what you mean.
VALHIRI AKELL: From what Camille says, when there was maybe a bit of family tension, you used to play, I guess, the peacemaker?
CIARENTE ROTH: Oh, I don't know about that.   
VALHIRI AKELL: Mmm?
CIARENTE ROTH: Well, sometimes Mama would be, well. She does like to have things the way she likes to have them.  And sometimes it was ... well.
VALHIRI AKELL: Well?
CIARENTE ROTH: Better if she didn't have anything to be upset about.
VALHIRI AKELL: So you used to make sure she didn't.
CIARENTE ROTH: When I could.
VALHIRI AKELL: Did she used to get upset when something was wrong?
CIARENTE ROTH: Well, yes.
VALHIRI AKELL: With you?
CIARENTE ROTH: Wrong with me? There was always something wrong with me!
VALHIRI AKELL: Mmmm. I meant, more, when perhaps there was something making you unhappy, or worried. Was that 'something wrong'?
CIARENTE ROTH: I'm not sure I know what you mean.
VALHIRI AKELL: Don't you?
CIARENTE ROTH: Oh.
VALHIRI AKELL: Maybe it was easier for you, to make sure there wasn't anything that got her upset? So you didn't have to try and make things better for her?
CIARENTE ROTH: Oh. Well, maybe.
VALHIRI AKELL: Maybe it's easier for you now, if people around you aren't upset?
CIARENTE ROTH: Oh. Well.
VALHIRI AKELL: Do you think that's really fair on them?
CIARENTE ROTH: Oh. That's not a very nice question, Hiri.
VALHIRI AKELL: It's kinda my job, to ask questions that aren't nice, sometimes.

CIARENTE ROTH: Well, no wonder people don't much want to come and talk to you!
VALHIRI AKELL: Yeah, that's true.
CIARENTE ROTH: I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that.
VALHIRI AKELL: It's okay. It's true. 
CIARENTE ROTH: Well, anyway.
VALHIRI AKELL: So do you? Think it's fair?
CIARENTE ROTH: Think what's fair?
VALHIRI AKELL: To make the people around you pretend to believe you when you say things are fine, because it's easier for you that way?
CIARENTE ROTH: Oh.
VALHIRI AKELL: Pilot?
CIARENTE ROTH: Oh.
VALHIRI AKELL: Maybe you can think about it and we can talk about it again, another time?
CIARENTE ROTH: Maybe.
VALHIRI AKELL: Maybe you can think about something else for me?
CIARENTE ROTH: Maybe. What?
VALHIRI AKELL: Letting your mother know things were maybe not so great for you made things harder for you, growing up, didn't it?
CIARENTE ROTH: I guess, maybe.
VALHIRI AKELL: It's not always like that, you know. 
CIARENTE ROTH: What do you mean?
VALHIRI AKELL: Can you think of anything that might make it easier for you, right now?
CIARENTE ROTH: Well. Maybe.
VALHIRI AKELL: Friends and family, sometimes they can be there for what you need. 
CIARENTE ROTH: Oh.
VALHIRI AKELL: Rather than just what they need.
CIARENTE ROTH: Oh.
VALHIRI AKELL: Will you think about that for me? 
CIARENTE ROTH: Yes, I ... maybe. Yes.
VALHIRI AKELL: And come back and talk to me?
CIARENTE ROTH: Yes.
VALHIRI AKELL: Tomorrow?
CIARENTE ROTH: Oh, no, I have a shift, tomorrow, I ... no. 
VALHIRI AKELL: Soon?
CIARENTE ROTH: I'll try.

[RECORDING TERMINATED]